This past weekend I spent remembering. A dear friend from college invited me quite some time ago to come and spend the weekend with her and make quilts from my kids’ t-shirts.
It took a very long time to coax my heart into doing the project. It took a very long time for me to decide when to go. It took a very long time for me to get the t-shirts out of the box and choose which ones to use.
Why is it so hard to remember?
Sometimes remembering brings gentle joy. Sometimes it brings deep pain. Sometimes I am trying to remember the details of something, and I can’t quite capture it all in my head. That brings frustration and sorrow to my heart. I wish that there were movies I could watch of entire days, or weeks, so I could see every detail again. Sometimes there are things that I remember that I wish I could forget.
It takes so much emotional energy to remember.
This weekend I found myself unable to express emotion – either sorrow or joy. It was like the joy of my children, and the pain of losing them, both feelings, were too deep within me to express. It left me exhausted.
So is it good to remember when it is so very difficult?
Yes! Because each time I enter a time like this, I grab onto my Jesus a little bit tighter. I hold on for dear life until the storm is over. When the gale of the emotions subsides, I am truly worn out from the struggle. But in the quietness after the storm, if I give Him the opportunity, He will show me things. Sometimes they are things He wants me to know about myself. Sometimes He shows me more about Himself. Sometimes He just holds me.
This week? He has just held me, and gently reminded me that the next 30 years will go by even more quickly than the last 30 years, and we will all be together again soon, this time forever.