From my journal 12-21-04:
“People tell me that God must have something great for me to do since He spared me. I thought “He Better!…….now I’m thinking that it would truly be an act of God to simply survive this and go on to a normal boring life. That would be huge enough. Just to survive……..”
I remember being so angry when people would suggest that God had some big plan in mind for me. It didn’t bring me comfort at all. I figured that if He had allowed this, there better be a plan, and I told Him so. I was afraid to get good and angry at Him though, because I knew that He was in control, and there was nothing I could do about it. Instead of dealing with the anger inside of me, I was left with a more fatalistic attitude. I remember driving away from a family reunion a few months later and asking for a safe trip home for all of us, and then thinking, “What’s the point? I either will, or I won’t, and it’s not up to me. What’s the point of praying?” After all, I remember praying together for safety as we left for Thanksgiving 2004……
Wrapping our heads around the sovereignty of God is a very difficult thing. Sovereignty means that He truly is in control of everything that happens; He is our almighty, all-powerful, all-knowing God. Yes it means that He could’ve stopped the accident. Yes, it means that He could’ve healed Janessa that night in the ER, even after the accident. Yes, it means that He left me alive on purpose.
So how did I get through the anger and find answers to my questions? Well, you are just going to have to follow along on this blog and I’ll do my best to answer those questions little by little. It is a very long process.
For today, I’m going to leave you with this thought: My very first step was to choose to believe…..to believe that there is life after this one, and a God that loves me. Without believing those two things, there was no point in living….not at all.